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A pessimistically optimistic update.

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Oct. 26th, 2010 | 03:05 am

I feel like I'm a good person, at least in a relationship I am. Yes, I've cheated, Yes I lie sometimes, and I lose my temper more often than I should. I know I've done things that aren't right, I know I've made mistakes in my past and sometimes still do. I know I could be better looking, I could take more time to get ready than I do. I could spend money on things to improve my life as opposed to cigarettes that don't. I could drink more socially and make a lot more friends. I could flirt with every girl until I find one that is actually interested in me as well. My hair is always messy, my clothes are usually ones I just find laying around, I've gotten chubby, and I don't wear make-up.

But I don't get why I'm not enough for anyone. Yes, I just listed 5000 faults I have, but I do care. I can give more love than anyone I know. I can devote myself to someone better than anyone in the entire world. I CAN be faithful, I can tell the truth, I can put all of my trust into someone, and I am filled with hope. I won't ever let you fall, or ever let you think for a second that you're anything less than beautiful. I will hold you every night if it helps you fall asleep easier. I will kiss you every time I see you and a million times in-between. I will drive if you're too tired, rub your back if you can't sleep, make you dinner if you're hungry, buy you cigarettes if you're stressed (or broke for that matter), I will introduce you to my family because I know they'll love you because they are some of the nicest people you'll ever meet. I will draw you stupid pictures if they will make you smile or laugh. I can give a girl all of the love I have to offer and bend and break my own heart to give her even more. Falling in love is something that I want, something that I need. I don't want to fuck around my whole life jumping from girl to girl, and I don't just want to kiss you and hug you without knowing you're mine.

So, at this moment I'm realizing that my life isn't all I thought it was. I can carry on without a girl, I can wait until I find someone that makes me heart jump and my stomach drop, and I will give HER everything I have to offer. But as for you, if you can't take me how I am, then unfortunately you have lost me. Maybe accepting that this is just my childhood, though I'm 18. I will love, and I will lose. If i can wrap my head around the fact that MAYBE I am just.. not the girl for you. Maybe this isn't the one I'm supposed to end up with, maybe I'll fall 10 times harder for someone else. Someone who wants me, now and for the long run, not when it's convenient or for two days just so she can change her mind.

And my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to, and my eyes, they don't see you no more. And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to and my eyes don't recognize you at all.

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